On Children
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
I first read this short poem as a young teen and it made a strong impression. I found its message wise, eye-opening and inspiring. I firmly promised myself that if I ever had children of my own, I would remember and apply its wisdom.
I fell short of that youthfully naive promise.
My children are now mature adults and my relationships with each of them has changed. This transition has been and continues to be a mixed bag of pride, joy, relief and confusing challenges.
Besides revisiting Gibran’s poetic musings, I’ve been attempting to glean valuable insights from places like Adlerian theory and Stoic philosophy. My goal is to learn how I might better navigate this part of my life with greater understanding and peace.
Adlerian Theory and Adult Children
Alfred Adler's theory emphasizes social interest, the idea that we are driven by a desire to belong and contribute to society. This includes our families.
Understanding Goals and Motivations: Adler believed that all behavior is goal-directed. Understanding my adult children's goals and motivations can help me better understand their actions and choices.
Encouraging Cooperation and Equality: Adlerian theory stresses the importance of cooperation and equality within family relationships. Treating my adult children as equals and encouraging collaboration can foster mutual respect and understanding.
Focusing on the Present and Future: Adlerian therapy focuses on the present and future, rather than dwelling on the past. This may be helpful in moving forward in my relationship with my adult children.
Stoic Philosophy and Adult Children
Stoicism teaches us to focus on what we can control and accept what we cannot. I think this can be particularly helpful in my relationships with my adult children.
Accepting What You Cannot Control: I cannot control my adult child's choices or actions. Stoicism teaches me to accept this reality and focus on my own responses.
Focusing on Your Own Virtue: Stoicism emphasizes the importance of living a virtuous life. Focusing on my own character and actions can help me maintain inner peace and navigate any challenging relationships.
Practicing Detachment: Stoicism encourages detachment from external events, including the actions of others. This doesn't mean indifference, but rather a recognition that I cannot control others.
Applying These Theories
Active Listening: Actively listening to my adult children can help me understand their perspectives and build stronger relationships.
Respectful Communication: Communicating respectfully, even when I disagree, is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.
Setting Boundaries: Healthy boundaries are essential in all relationships, including those with my adult children. I need to clearly communicate my expectations and needs.
Forgiveness: Holding onto resentment can damage relationships. Both Adlerian theory and Stoic philosophy encourage forgiveness and moving forward.
Key Takeaways
I need to remember that my relationships with my adult children are unique and evolving. Applying theoretical and philosophic principles provides guidance, but it's important to be flexible and adapt to individual situations. By focusing on understanding, acceptance, and virtue, perhaps I can build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship with my adult children.
Respectful Communication: Communicating respectfully, even when I disagree, is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.
Setting Boundaries: Healthy boundaries are essential in all relationships, including those with my adult children. I need to clearly communicate my expectations and needs.
Forgiveness: Holding onto resentment can damage relationships. Both Adlerian theory and Stoic philosophy encourage forgiveness and moving forward.
Key Takeaways
I need to remember that my relationships with my adult children are unique and evolving. Applying theoretical and philosophic principles provides guidance, but it's important to be flexible and adapt to individual situations. By focusing on understanding, acceptance, and virtue, perhaps I can build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship with my adult children.
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